every day i wake up twice as pregnant as i was the day before, i kid you not. and despite the fact that every time i see a doctor they push back my due date (i'm now not due until July 26) everything is going swimmingly.
just last week i felt the baby quicken for the first time. it really felt more like fifty-seven pointy little fingers inside my uterus than like anything else and once i realized that i was actually feeling little vegas for the first time i let out a resounding and high-pitched "oh!", which immediately captured the attention of all 200+ fellow students in the lecture hall, and also my professor. i could only imagine that he, and the rest of the class, were assured that i was extremely intrigued and excited by the geographical terrain of central america, which was the lecture of the day. it was, to say the least, rather embarrassing.
truly, the only way to salvage my thus untarnished reputation in the class was to become very visibly pregnant by the end of the class, and i took this task none too lightly. promptly unzipping my hoodie so that my distended belly was in full view, i groomed the audience with a few carefully choreographed rubs of said belly. once i was sure i had caught a few glances, i strategically placed my other hand on the arm of the chair, propelling my body out and upward, belly first - then swiftly placing said hand on the small of my back once upright. this is the universal position for pregnant women everywhere, as i'm sure you're all aware.
as i left the lecture hall, i made sure to keep my hands in the aforementioned positions, and occasionally murmured maternally in the direction of the belly in order to really get my point across. as pubescent after pubescent frantically cleared impending backpack obstacles from my path, i knew by the wide-eyed intimidation in their eyes that i had effectively declared my status in the class, and that henceforth all unusual sounds, sights, actions or requests on my part would be mutely accommodated.
i am pregnant, hear me roar.
